And that was my trigger

Here’s my story of My Trigger:

Few weeks ago, I connected with a friend of mine who got closer as we chatted about various things. In no time, she started sharing things with me which she was quite uncomfortable about. She liked someone a lot and due to this, her friends used to tease her frequently. However, the man she liked didn’t have any say in this. So, I guess it was understood that maybe, he wasn’t interested. Listening to her, at times, I always felt that people around her let her down knowingly or unknowingly.

One day, as usual, she messaged me, “Can I share something with you?”. She went on to tell me that she had shared a kiss with the man she liked. I even realized that this was a kind of vague connection they had where he used to just kiss her when no one was around. After hearing this, I only asked her one question, “Did he talk to you about this?” She replied, “NO. He never spoke to me about this. He just used to kiss me and I let him. We have stopped it now.” Whereas on the outside, it seemed as if she was the one clinging on.  

That day, I don’t know why but I could actually feel my body fuming after hearing this. There was this unknown trigger. Before I knew it, I was crying and petrified at the same time. Apart from all this, I was even wondering how easy it was for her friends to judge her without knowing the reality. She literally couldn’t share this with anyone. I could feel her. I was so angry from within but I couldn’t figure out what was I angry for. Just so you know, the way she told me was very casual. For her, it was just some secret which she wanted to share. But the fact that it affected me so much was really making me go within and find out.

There was certainly something that I wasn’t addressing. Something came all over me to trigger me as hard as it could. I just lied down with tears rolling by and I could feel my breath. I let myself close my eyes and let my emotions out. After a few seconds, my thoughts flew to an incident which was similar to this…. and few more … and few more… I recollected all incidents where I had felt used and mistreated by others. My mind was exhausted and drained after coming out with all the frustration I had when people around didn’t verbalize anything to me before owning up to me. I felt all the anger for the spineless.

In this process, I had gone to sleep. The next day, when I woke up, I felt so fresh that I could actually see the mirror. I related to the incident so much that it had a very close connection to what I felt within. All the incidences came back & triggered me. I could still feel it but now it was just sadness and the anger was certainly a lot less than before.

Today, due to all the experiences I have had, there is this constant need for me to be with people who stand up for themselves. That’s the first thing I notice in people genuinely. Succumbing to what I have felt before, I have come to believe that if a person can’t verbalize their obvious emotions, they are not able to deal with their heap of insecurities. Now, I have a great sense of vulnerability for those who stand up for me. I search these qualities in everyone I come across. And all of this is just a reflex. I don’t really intend to do so. When I used to hang out with my friends who were busy finding love and having their own definitions of love, one of my friends had asked me, “What does love mean for you?” I spontaneously said, “Standing- up.”

So, by just a sharing by my friend whom I had not even connected for long, had so much effect on me. Maybe, it wasn’t a coincidence. It was a manifestation of upgrading myself. I still do have a part of me that feels the trigger but the intensity is much lower now. Healing is indeed a lifetime process. And I have acknowledged myself completely for it as per my last blog – https://souloutpourings.com/acknowledging-efforts/

I don’t blame or have any hard feelings for the perpetrators in my life as that wouldn’t be helpful at all. Likewise, we all have a trigger and it really needs to be eliminated from our system. I genuinely feel that I met those people at that time, maybe, because I wasn’t someone who could stand up for myself – ‘You always attract what you are’.

I am glad I could share my story of getting over my trigger with you all. Have you experienced anything similar? You can share it with me in the comments below.